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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 26, 2019 15:54:29 GMT
My kids are gone to their dad's from the 20th to 30th. This was planned a long time ago. However, today I get the following text:
Hey I have a problem and I don't have any money for gas or anything till I get paid which will be either the 1st or 2nd. Can the girls stay till then? I'm not making this up. Had to buy medications and it took the rest of my money. I'm sorry for that.
I am not sure how to respond. I had a get-together planned for New Year's Day. My first instinct is to tell him "Tough luck. Figure out a way. Sell something if you have to.' But I know what will happen is he will tell a sob story to my kids which basically ends up with them thinking I'm a cruel awful person. I want to stand up for myself but they are with him at the moment and its tougher when they are with him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2019 16:20:08 GMT
Maybe, It is legitimate. However, If it isn't he will stick to the same story The options you have are;
1) You stick to the original plan and go all the way to pick them up if your get together is really important to you. 2) He keeps the girls as things do happen and its an awkward time of year to try selling anything to be fair.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2019 19:40:13 GMT
^ Good advice. I have similar thoughts.
I would try and let resentment go and be grateful he’s not saying you need to come and get them today instead. Hopefully he has enough money to feed them this week.
If you can believe anything he says, guess you have some choices: You can say ok and let them stay until he brings them back 1st or 2nd. You can say that won’t work for you and go get them the 30th. You can say that won’t work for you and paypal him the gas money to bring them back the 30th.
My guess is he won’t get paid until the 2nd since New Year’s Day here is a bank holiday. Also will the 2nd cut into their school days?
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 26, 2019 21:08:22 GMT
The thing is, I don't believe him. I know how his mind works. He has tried this type of thing before. And I know that if I agree, he will just try it again. I am broke too so I can't afford to drive all the way there (620 kilometers away) to go get them nor can I email him money for gas (nor would I if I could). I need to be firm and tell him he must stick to the plan. I just worry that he still won't even if I tell him he has to. I have no desire to contact my lawyer because I just can't afford the lawyer bill.
I have learned I need to stand up to him. If I give an inch he takes a mile. It was his decision to move that far away from his children, not mine. According to my custody agreement, he is responsible for 50% of the travel for visits. He is also mandated to pay child support which he has not. I pay for daycare, recreation, food, clothes and everything else for the kids. I am really struggling financially to keep afloat. So back in September I told him that unless he pays me for gas (through Child Maintenance Enforcement) that I won't be driving the kids again. As a result, he did not see them till Christmas when I decided to be nice and agree to driving them without him paying me. I guess I shouldn't have been nice.
I do not want to be the heartless mother that denies her kids seeing their father but at the same time, it was his choice to move so far away to be with his girlfriend and his inability to manage himself financially shouldn't be my problem. It's not fair that I pay for everything for the kids plus have to pay gas money to take them and pick them up.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2019 21:38:39 GMT
You haven't denied them seeing their Father. You can stand up to him. But here is the thing. If he doesn't have money. It won't be resolved and you can say sell something. He doesn't need to comply.
He did chose to move far away and he probably shouldn't have. The parameters have been set in place. I'd stop thinking what the kids think. It is what it is and if you're going to put your foot down then the time is as good as any. However, Don't expect said situation to go your way because as of this moment. They will be there until he gets money on the 2nd.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2019 23:53:54 GMT
I think willow and spectra have said it. I would only add that he seems you know unscrupulous and annoying and unreliable and a tedious imposition on your life. His new girlfriend must be a piece of work too. I don't even know him and he's annoyed the hell out of me. You have to be constructive that's all, don't be nice again be courageous, it will make you feel good and strong.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2019 23:56:11 GMT
Tell him how sorry you are for his horrid financial situation and wish you could help him out, but you cant. Of course the kids can stay. That is their father.
You are stuck anyway and you may as well make it sound like its not bothering you.The kids will benefit if you are not fighting.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 5:58:39 GMT
^ Great advice. Let's just hope the kids want to stay. :) Adding a thought based on the last thing you wrote above, July, about fairness. Think a common denominator to all parental break up's with children is they rarely are fair. It's just the way it is. Someone usually has to do more, pay more, or give more to do the best for the children. As long as you feel you are doing your best, that's what's really matters because you can't change what he is, or is not doing. So, did you find a fun distraction for this possibly extended mummy break?
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 27, 2019 7:05:43 GMT
Lol, I did find a distraction, POF. I tried staying away but ultimately I figured this is my only window till summer.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2019 19:08:40 GMT
I hope your distraction goes well for you. I've spoken to a few since/on Xmas day but when it comes to meeting for a drink. They go quiet. All talk pen pals.
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 28, 2019 0:03:13 GMT
I found one guy I liked a few days back, talked to him a fair bit, was even considering meeting him, but his first name (Byron) kind of put me off because that's my uncle's name and it seemed too weird to me plus his reveal about not seeing his kid for a long time bugged me too. And the fact that he admitted he smokes more than just occasionally as he stated in his profile (this is something that has long been a pet peeve of mine on POF, that a guy is a smoker but puts in his profile that he is only an occasional smoker). Now I am talking to another guy. We just exchanged phone numbers last night. I like him and he doesn't live far away, only about 45 minutes. He has 5 kids (all with the same woman) which isn't a problem for me plus he seems really involved with his kids which is great. My big preferences with a guy: lives within 100 kilometres, is employed, a non-smoker, is taller than me and has kids. And because it's a small pond here, there aren't too many options so its awesome when someone with those things comes along. Tomorrow I think I am ready to try a phone conversation and then if that goes well, maybe the next time a video chat. I generally have the following methodology when dating a guy from POF:
1) messaging a while on POF (a couple days) 2) exchanging phone numbers and texting a a while (a day or two) 3) video-chatting (a few days) 4) meeting in person
Of course, I also perform a bit of a background check. You'd be surprised how simple it is to do with Google, a first and last name and a few minor details. The main things I look for is if a guy's name appears in articles regarding criminal activity and marital status (often found out on Facebook). Often I find employment info as well. You can't be too careful these days when meeting a stranger off of the internet.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2019 14:10:03 GMT
Maybe he hasn't seen his kids for a while as he has an ex that is being completely awkward. You do know that does happen a fair amount. Not all Woman have the children's best interest at heart and use them as bargaining chips.
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Post by cbgb77 on Dec 28, 2019 16:56:07 GMT
I found one guy I liked a few days back, talked to him a fair bit, was even considering meeting him, but his first name (Byron) kind of put me off
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Post by cbgb77 on Dec 28, 2019 17:02:32 GMT
Now I am talking to another guy. We just exchanged phone numbers last night. I like him and he doesn't live far away, only about 45 minutes. He has 5 kids (all with the same woman) which isn't a problem for me plus he seems really involved with his kids which is great.
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 28, 2019 18:43:49 GMT
Maybe he hasn't seen his kids for a while as he has an ex that is being completely awkward. You do know that does happen a fair amount. Not all Woman have the children's best interest at heart and use them as bargaining chips. I get that, but the way in which he answered my question raised red flags. I asked him why he hadn't seen his kid for so long and he didn't really answer my question, only said his kid is doing well where he is and his mom raises him well. I know a lot of men fade out of their kids' lives by choice and I suspect he is one such guy. A lot of guys walk away from their kids. The guy I was seeing exactly one year ago was the same and he actually had boyfriend potential but when I found out he hadn't seen his kids in over a year and when I asked him why he also didn't have a good reason and that was why I ended things with him because it bothered me alot. If a guy has kids, he needs to be making an effort to see his kids.
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