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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2019 18:07:57 GMT
When you get those 10 days free how about having a rest and being July for a change rather than mum. Make the most of it. Seriously, I recommend it.
If I had spoke to my mum like that she'd have fooked me up lol
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2019 22:41:11 GMT
Yeah, teenage daughters can be real hard on their mum for some reason. My daughter became very difficult from about age 13-23, but then her respectful and loving self returned, thankfully.
I was embarrassed by my mum when I was a teen and she did nothing really embarrassing. But disrespect wasn’t tolerated and my dad made sure of that.
Single mums seem to get the shortest straw of all, so try not to believe what your children say. Sounds like they are lashing out the only way they know how and often it’s those they most love and feel safest with they show their worst sides.
Self care does sound so needed. You are such a good person doing so much so well, caring for others including raising your children the best you can. Don’t let them tear you down. That’s just giving them way too much power.
Maybe a single mums or single parents support group could be helpful. Just a thought. Enjoy the break! Great advice to use it to rest and pamper you. Sometimes us carers forget about caring for ourselves too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2019 22:47:27 GMT
Sounds like they are lashing out the only way they know how and often it’s those they most love and feel safest with they show their worst sides. This here is what I'd hazard a guess it is. They don't quite know how to handle emotions then throw in hormones. |
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 21, 2019 9:21:19 GMT
Yes, I know they are just frustrated and hurt and I am the safe punching bag for them. They are hurt their dad left them to go live 6 hours away with his girlfriend and her 3 girls and blame me for not getting to see him a lot (the last two times they were supposed to go I was too broke and he wouldn't give me any money for gas even though he has never given me a cent of the court-ordered child support he is supposed to give me). They are also upset that they weren't able to register in speedskating (my middle girl) and soccer (my oldest girl) in the fall because I couldn't afford it and I applied to Kidsport and was denied assistance. They are upset that we have a Christmas tree without lights and not very many decorations. They are upset I couldn't take them to the water slide. They are upset they don't get school lunches and have the bag lunches I give them. They are upset I refuse to get them cellphones. I am upset because I had it much better than my kids when I was growing up and had a lot more opportunities and got to travel a lot and play tons of sports and I grew up on a farm. I know right now things are not the best but I hope one day that will change.
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Post by bendingbough19 on Dec 21, 2019 15:22:59 GMT
Is there a garnishment order July? I know you said he didn't work very often while he was with you but I can't see how he can keep that up forever - who would continue to support someone who didn't work? There must be something the courts can scoop from him.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 15:46:29 GMT
He seems to still walk all over you. Go back to court get what the kids should've got as they are entitled to it and you could afford those things they want to do. If he eats or not that isn't your concern anymore. Why be nice about it.
Stop being his bitch.. Make him come get his Children. You set the tone. If they see him walk over you. Then they will think they can.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 15:47:46 GMT
My big question to July is this.
Why would you want to drag another person into whats a " real mess" right now?
You don't need to date, you need to get some help managing your life, kid issues and money problems.Spend time working on your mental & physical health - weight ( if that is something you aren't happy with).
Ask for help with the kids getting counseling.
Talk with the school counselor. If the state wont help a church will even if you arent a member of a church.They have free counseling with real physiologist and such.They wont preach to you if you go to the right one.
The longer you wait, the harder it will be.
You aren't facing anything worse or as worse as a lot of single mothers are.
Stop blaming everyone else for your problems too.
The kids, your job and your ex.If he isnt doing right, take control and make the court handle it, but dont blame him for not offering you something you dont demand.
Live today and everyday one at a time.Do your best with what you have each day.
Its easy to feel sorry for yourself, but will not benefit you or your children one bit.
They sense you are a victim and use that to hurt you because you project that in how you feel about yourself.
JM2C
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 16:00:30 GMT
^^ I've been that guy dating a Woman with 3 kids and had the daughter winding the dad up that I was there with her Mum and he wouldn't stop phoning until I took the phone of her and told him I'm gonna **** the whole night lol. He didn't phone back. I wouldn't normally say something like that but it was the way to get through to him. The only time I spoke to the guy or should I say spoke at and hung up. This was after 3 years of them being separated :(
Another with 2 kids I was dating and I'm nearly fighting with the guy but he was right she was a slag. She had cheated on him and his 2 girls way before I come on the scene. These 2 clowns were fighting physically with each other in front of the kids in the street. Shakes my head. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 16:24:47 GMT
^^ I've been that guy dating a Woman with 3 kids and had the daughter winding the dad up that I was there with her Mum and he wouldn't stop phoning until I took the phone of her and told him I'm gonna **** the whole night lol. He didn't phone back. I wouldn't normally say something like that but it was the way to get through to him. The only time I spoke to the guy or should I say spoke at and hung up. This was after 3 years of them being separated :(
Another with 2 kids I was dating and I'm nearly fighting with the guy but he was right she was a slag. She had cheated on him and his 2 girls way before I come on the scene. These 2 clowns were fighting physically with each other in front of the kids in the street. Shakes my head. ^^^ Yeah, no one needs to get in the middle of "mess". Then again you have some men and women who look for people to FIX or use weak appearing people. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 16:35:14 GMT
^^ I've been that guy dating a Woman with 3 kids and had the daughter winding the dad up that I was there with her Mum and he wouldn't stop phoning until I took the phone of her and told him I'm gonna **** the whole night lol. He didn't phone back. I wouldn't normally say something like that but it was the way to get through to him. The only time I spoke to the guy or should I say spoke at and hung up. This was after 3 years of them being separated :(
Another with 2 kids I was dating and I'm nearly fighting with the guy but he was right she was a slag. She had cheated on him and his 2 girls way before I come on the scene. These 2 clowns were fighting physically with each other in front of the kids in the street. Shakes my head. ^^^ Yeah, no one needs to get in the middle of "mess". Then again you have some men and women who look for people to FIX or use weak appearing people. The thing is not all Woman have stuff like this going on. But how do you differentiate between who does and doesn't so sometimes easier to wide Berth.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 17:38:49 GMT
^^^ Yeah, no one needs to get in the middle of "mess". Then again you have some men and women who look for people to FIX or use weak appearing people. The thing is not all Woman have stuff like this going on. But how do you differentiate between who does and doesn't so sometimes easier to wide Berth.
I certainly didnt have that mess going on. I think its easy to tell when you get one who complains about their life in general or finances.They cant shut up about what they cant afford, or cant get a sitter to go out. Any hint about finances or talking about an ex would be a good place to "judge" a mess. I never dated anyone more than once who mentioned an ex. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 21, 2019 18:16:20 GMT
The thing is not all Woman have stuff like this going on. But how do you differentiate between who does and doesn't so sometimes easier to wide Berth.
I certainly didnt have that mess going on. I think its easy to tell when you get one who complains about their life in general or finances.They cant shut up about what they cant afford, or cant get a sitter to go out. Any hint about finances or talking about an ex would be a good place to "judge" a mess. I never dated anyone more than once who mentioned an ex. Reminds me of a date where a woman spoke for 3/4 or more of it about her ex. How her ex still comes around and does a little gardening at front for her and how she goes on a Friday to sort out his Money so people don't take advantage of him. My first thought was 'People like you'. He obviously was on the spectrum.
I've had to tell her to get lost a couple of times after that. Well once she messaged me and I told her it was inappropriate in the first instance but tried not to be ignorant which led to her still trying to converse with kisses in the end after initial conversayion, so just told her that I'd only be interested in no strings FB and she said you're not like that I said no I'm not so take a f'n hint and go away lol. 6 Months after tried to message again. But I fully ignored this time.
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 21, 2019 19:51:23 GMT
Oh, I know my life isn't ready for a relationship. And that I don't have a hell of a lot to bring to the table. This is a large part of my poor self-esteem. That is why I am not dating right now or looking for a longterm relationship even though I pathetically dream about one. I know guys don't need all the crap and drama. I set out to have quick flings here and there when I do feel lonely but I end up feeling bad about these. I do feel lonely a lot though and an evening here or there with a guy does make me feel good. I can actually be me, July, and I don't talk about my kids (unless asked) or my problems (I only give small answers about those if asked about specific things). And when I've been talking with someone, it makes me happier and less stressed and I feel I have more patience and energy as a mom.
I did take my ex to court. He is required to pay me child support and I do have Maintenance Enforcement pursuing getting me some money. I would just be thankful for a couple hundred dollars a month so at least I could put them in some recreation programs they want other than the cheap ones I do that they don't really want to be in. The courts now are pretty hellbent on giving both parents equal rights and joint custody no matter the situation. I am responsible for half of the travel but each trip they go there ends up costing me about $150 in gas to drop them off and then pick them up at the halfway point. I finally stuck up for myself by saying I wouldn't take them again until he paid me something to help cover the costs. And I stuck to my guns with September, October and November (even though the court ordered me to give him a weekend each month and half the holidays). But this hurt my kids terribly and I agreed to letting them go for 10 days at Christmas for their sakes. I also admit, the cost and difficulty of procuring childcare for the whole Christmas break (17 days) also figured into this decision. And with them gone, I have picked up a few extra shifts which will help me pay to give them a Christmas/New Year's celebration after they come back which we'll have on January 2nd (my work shifts prevent me from doing it earlier). I'm gonna make a turkey and stuffing and perogies and cabbage rolls and desserts and see if my mom and brother can come over and the kids can open the few presents I have for them (two fun things each with a a bunch of useful stuff I'll wrap like underwear, socks, shampoo, ponytail holders, etc.) and the gifts my mom always gets way too out of hand buying for them. At least I'll be able to take advantage of all the after-Christmas clearouts that happen on Boxing Day. I want to try and create good experiences for them and for myself too.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2019 0:14:19 GMT
It sounds like it's slowly working out. And you said before the extreme financial strain you're under now with the weight of a large loan you're paying off will ease by the summer. So that's very positive.
I had very little money those early years in my divorce, raising two then three children without any help financially at all and all the weight of the bills and mortgage on the house. It was so hard, getting to the end of the week and no money left to get through the weekend or buy food. My husband didn't work those years and lost himself in alcohol, so our divorce did not order him to pay a penny... ever.
So I really do empathise with the challenges it sounds like you also share.
I know it doesn't really help in the moment, but compared to those in the world who are homeless, starving every day, watching siblings and parents reallly struggle for life and fear of losing it... you are very blessed.
Everything is relative and the day will come when your children understand finally how hard it was for you and how much you tried to make it good for them. The day will come they forgive you. And long before then you must be really conscious to forgive you too.
You're doing the best you can and it will change. Trust at least you have a home, amazing children and a means to support it all, even if meagerly. It's a gift to learn to live on little and has served me well all my life. It has served my children well too for they grew up to know the value of money and not to waste it.
It's great you know to stop looking towards an attraction and sex for compensation for the challenges you're going through now.
As you get stronger and healthier mentally and emotionally, anything that comes down the road in the future will reflect those things too.
Ok, jumping off my soap box now. Sorry to sound preachy.
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 22, 2019 0:57:22 GMT
Willow, I really appreciated your last post. Makes me feel better hearing someone who understands what it's like.
I am extremely appreciative of the good things I have. It helps being in the line of work I'm in because I know that the greatest thing to be appreciative of is good health. There are people going through cancer, multiple sclerosis, ALS, being quadriplegic, Alzheimers, dialysis, etc. Really, I do have it good. I try to be appreciative but I admit I still get jealous of things like happy couples and people going on tropical holidays and even small things like home ownership or the ability to go grocery shopping regularily and buy everything on your grocery list. And right now I am a little down. Took my kids last night to their dad's and now I'm alone for 10 days during Christmas which is tough and I miss Christmas Eve supper because I work. At least I have them most of the year, I feel bad for parents who never get to see their kids.
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