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Post by julystorm22 on Nov 25, 2019 2:11:01 GMT
Well, I don't know if anyone remembers me from the POF boards but my mind has been going crazy lately and I don't have anyone to talk to about this so here I am, hoping someone could just give me some advice to help me readjust my thoughts. And before anyone tells me to go talk to a shrink, that just isn't an option for me because I can't afford one.
At the end of August I came to the decision to quit dating. And 3 months later, all I can think about is guys. All I can think about is how much I'd like to have a guy to text with and talk with and yes, also to sleep with. I need some sort of pill that gets rid of your libido so I can quit having these thoughts and quit picturing making out with every second guy I see.
Back in August I was dating a guy and my stupid insecurities (inside my head) caused me to break up with him because I got scared of rejection and I got scared that I couldn't give him what he wants and deserves. About a month later, because I was feeling sad and lonely I texted him to say I missed him but he wasn't interested in seeing me. Then about 3 weeks ago, he texted me again and I chose to ignore the text. For days I thought about texting back but decided against it. Ultimately, I didn't because though I like him, I just can't give him the time he deserves. Between work and my kids, I don't have too much time for dating and I feel guilty dating because that's time I should be spending with my kids and shouldn't be spending money I really don't have on a babysitter.
I know I made the right decision not dating but its honestly tearing me up inside. I have been feeling so lonely lately. And then a couple nights ago I got a friend request on Facebook out of the blue from a guy I really shouldn't talk to. This guy (my first boyfriend and the guy I lost my v-card to) really broke my heart 12 years ago. I tried dating him a couple times last year and the year before and it didn't end well. The first time I broke things off because I realized I was still hurt about what transpired 12 years ago and the second time, after we had talked things over, he just suddenly broke things off with me and from what I can gather, it's because he didn't want to get serious with me because I have kids and he began to see that we were getting more serious than he wanted. Then he blocked me. Anyways, he sent me a friend request on Facebook the other day on Facebook and yesterday I finally denied the request. So he texted me and I don't want to answer the text because I know that could lead me down the rabbit hole of getting my heart broken again.
Meanwhile, I still can't get my mind off of a guy I liked more than anyone I've ever been with. He was really just an fwb when he lived in the town we were in but we had so much in common and the conversations we had, we were really good friends outside of the great sex. He moved 10 hours away though because his ex moved away with his kids. And we've remained friends on Facebook but the conversations have gradually become less and less. I miss him terribly and spend so much stupid time fantasizing about being with him. Its really pathetic.
This all makes me want to go back to online dating so I can have a quick fling with someone so I can get my mind off the three guys above. But then, my problem is I don't seem to have the ability to do that. If I like them, I'll just get attached and then by breaking things off quick, I'll just be feeling sad all over again. If I ignore these feelings of wanting to be with a guy, does the desire to have sex disappear after a while? Or am I just destined to be stuck in this neverending longing?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 8:37:18 GMT
I think there is some truth to the ‘less you get it, less you crave it’ thinking. However July I think you carry a sadness and dread that needs to be eliminated before you make new relationships. Have you never just wanted to take control of yourself in relationships? You manage your kids, why is this so hard for you with men?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 12:22:07 GMT
Well, I don't know if anyone remembers me from the POF boards
Some of your stories were POF Hall of Fame material, how could we forget you?
I won't be one to recommend seeing a shrink. Why blow money on talking to people who don't give a shit about you?
Right now, you are very likely in your sexual prime and I don't believe attempting to ignore your urges will cause them to diminish. I do, however, encourage having sex with no expectations, but unfortunately, like many other women, you associate physical intimacy with feelings.
That's a problem I don't believe I or any shrink on Earth has a solution for.
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Post by igorfrankensteen on Nov 28, 2019 18:11:46 GMT
If you were to be able to go to and find a truly good "shrink," what they would tell you to do, and try to guide you to do, is to work out inside, WHY it is that you feel driven to do all that you describe.
We none of us just act out for no cause at all. And it isn't just libido that drives HOW a person behaves, even when it feels as though it is.
Most commonly, you have ideas and understandings about the world, which are at the root of why you are so torn. I wont guess here at what they are, that's for you to figure out; but just for example, it could be that you have connected a sense of your own self-worth, to whether or not someone is a declared "boyfriend."
I suggest that you ponder further into what you feel, to find the answer to why you feel it. One technique that can help some, is to seriously answer what you expect to happen should you refuse to comply with your urges. What you fear will happen, often reveals what you expect to accomplish.
I further suggest that you do your pondering out loud. Not necessarily by posting it. Or by saying it out loud TO anyone; rather say it out loud to yourself. This is a lot of what seeing a therapist is about. By verbalizing something out loud, it is often rapidly clear to the person saying whatever they say, that something doesn't actually make sense. Lots of things seem logical when your mind can "adjust" it as you think; but once you say it out loud, you can see the "adjustments" clearly, and break through to what you really think and feel, much more directly.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 22:21:39 GMT
Some of your stories were POF Hall of Fame material, how could we forget you?
Damn right.
As for topic in general. Lonely is a lot better than being in a rubbish situation July and you've been in those.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2019 18:15:22 GMT
I hear you, having been a single mum many years raising children on my own in England and I often felt that conflict between my needs and wants, and my childrens'. I also couldn't afford babysitters, and had no family living in the country to help me, so anyone I was seeing I had to find a way to incorporate into my life more than just dating.
It sounds like you not only crave sex, but male friend companionship too. Now sex does not require another person in its most basic of needs, but companionship and good conversation does, but not necessarily with the opposite sex. Yet, it's guys you really like.
It also sounds like you are treating men like they are treating you. For whatever reason when you realize it's not right, you end it. They do the same. Then you question that decision and want to begin contact again. So do they, course never the same person you want to resume things with... guess that's just the way the universe so often works. How would we grow if it was that easy?
Like another said here, finding ways to strengthen your self worth seems like great advice... so you don't confuse friendship, or friends with benefits, with self-love.
It seems like you actually have quite a bit of clarity. If it were me, figuring out my priorities seems vital now. From what you wrote, my questions would be are you prepared to go more into debt, or do without something else, for sex? Are you prepared to go without sex and companionship and let your fantasies be just that? Are you prepared to really accept who you are? Why judge fantasies? Are you prepared to experience the emotions that go along with sleeping with someone? Separating those is often so difficult, if not impossible. One more question, do you see yourself being able to put it all on hold while you are torn and know making decisions in the state you're in is never wise?
Perhaps you have a girlfriend who would be happy to witness your working through your deepest feelings on all of this. And if not, journalling can be very helpful to sort one's thoughts too. What's good about that is it gets stuff off your chest, and then you can revisit what you wrote and realize you have grown or changed in your views.
Personal growth is never easy or simple, I don't think. But it sounds like you really are on track to do just that. Hang in. Don't give up. And give yourself some credit for doing all you do the best that you can. Trust it will get easier as you get clearer and more sure of yourself. And they say that's when someone with a much healthier attitude will enter your life because that's where you're at too.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2019 20:48:37 GMT
A regular meditation practice can go a long way in helping you retrain your thought patterns.
Google 'yoga nidra' lots of YouTubes out there that guide you towards a more harmonious mind/body/soul experience. Calm that busy brain of yours down. Good luck.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 29, 2019 21:46:14 GMT
A regular meditation practice can go a long way in helping you retrain your thought patterns. Google 'yoga nidra' lots of YouTubes out there that guide you towards a more harmonious mind/body/soul experience. Calm that busy brain of yours down. Good luck. Also I'd add its not about not having negative thoughts. Its accepting that its ok to have them. If I get angry or sad then I accept it to be ok these days instead of dwelling on it. Many meditate first thing in the day with the midset that today I will accomplish etc and it works well.
Too many people I find don't live in the now. The past is gone and we project the future based on past experiences. People with anxiety fear lack of control of the future and self sabotage with what if so not fulfilling your present. Any body that has a hobby they get lost in the moment like when drawing.
Here's the rabbit hole. Enjoy July. This woman will open your eyes. You may want to watch a good few of her vids.
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Post by bendingbough19 on Nov 30, 2019 14:39:41 GMT
July, as someone else mentioned, you are likely in your sexual prime. Libido can be pretty tough to ignore when it seems to be constantly shouting at you. Getting a friend with benefits is easy. There are lots of busy people who have sexual needs, but either don't want a relationship or are not at a place in life where they can accommodate one. Some of these men are also lonely and may desire a sexual relationship, in which they also have someone to chat with. So, if that is really all you want, just obtain it. But if you truly want more, admit that to yourself and be willing to do the work needed to have a relationship. There are men your age who would understand your financial situation and be willing to ensure dates either do not involve a price tag or involve a low one. However, I am not sure whether you ever have a half hour to an hour without your children, outside of work. If you do, great, but if you don't, dating will be more challenging indeed.
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 1, 2019 8:49:27 GMT
Thanks everyone for your responses and advice. I just read them all now. I needed someone to sound off to. I miss having friends, people to talk to. These days the only people I really talk to are my mom and brothers and they are not the people to talk to about this stuff. A major problem for me is that in the 10 years I was with my ex, I lost a lot of my friends. Before we were together, I had a pretty good social life, with several really good friends. My ex over the years kind of isolated me from them. He used to give me such a hard time about wanting to hang out with friends and would get angry if I went to hang out with anyone. And my friends didn't like my ex either. It got to be where he'd give permission for me to hang out with someone at our house but he would be a jerk to me and I would be embarrassed and ashamed and not want anyone over to see the way he was with me. Overtime, I spoke less and less to my friends until we didn't communicate at all. I've gotten back in touch with some of my really good friends since my ex and I split but they are happily married to great guys so I end up feeling bad talking to them because they seem to have it all together and I don't. Plus they live really far away. Of course, my lack of female friends is a big source of my loneliness. That's probably why I want to see guys so much, because then I get little bits of intimacy here and there. It feels good to have someone to talk to and text with and spend time with. It isn't fair to guys though to have me with my messed-up head getting involved with them. Even when I've tried to make clear that I'm just looking for a friend, not a relationship, a couple guys have seemed to really like me and want more so I bolt. I am not in the position to give anyone a relationship. At the same time, a couple of guys I have actually seen myself wanting a relationship with, I have ended things with because I fear rejection. Spectravision, thanks for the youtube video--I need to start watching more. I forgot that a year and a half ago, a few youtube videos really helped me focus and get into a better mindset.
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Post by igorfrankensteen on Dec 2, 2019 0:09:52 GMT
I understand that feeling.
Only one more thought: the time it takes us to heal, is the time it takes. You'll get there a little at a time. Let yourself do the forward one step, back two dance for a while, until you start to feel more comfortable on your emotional "feet."
You will.
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Post by bendingbough19 on Dec 2, 2019 0:38:57 GMT
I understand that feeling. Only one more thought: the time it takes us to heal, is the time it takes. You'll get there a little at a time. Let yourself do the forward one step, back two dance for a while, until you start to feel more comfortable on your emotional "feet." You will. I agree that the time it takes is the time it takes. Do you think we ever really get there, Igor? I just kind of learned to live with things but I can't say that I've healed. I put the expectation of it aside and carry on.
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Post by igorfrankensteen on Dec 3, 2019 1:43:36 GMT
I understand that feeling. Only one more thought: the time it takes us to heal, is the time it takes. You'll get there a little at a time. Let yourself do the forward one step, back two dance for a while, until you start to feel more comfortable on your emotional "feet." You will. I agree that the time it takes is the time it takes. Do you think we ever really get there, Igor? I just kind of learned to live with things but I can't say that I've healed. I put the expectation of it aside and carry on. Yes and no. Nothing and no one ever heals in the sense of going back to how we were before we suffered whatever we did. No such thing as regaining innocence. The tricky thing about this kind of thing, comes within ourselves. We might continue to try to get what we originally thought we should...the happily ever after kind of true love stuff. It's easy and common to get caught halfway through the doors of insight. Seeing through the veils of wishful thinking, but resentful or angry that we do, and maybe even convinced that we should still get what our insights have made impossible. Some people who do this to themselves try to get back what they think they deserve, by denying what they know is true; they may stay with an abuser, or find another one, just to try to keep the dream of the magic stuff alive. Others might switch to the attack; sort of getting revenge against everyone who comes later, one way and another. That's the part of this kind of thing that doesn't heal on it's own, we have to work at it. And for many of us, the comfort of retaining anger against our abusers is often too tempting to let go of. Not to mention, doing that can make us feel vulnerable all over again. This kind of challenge can take a lot of life to deal with.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2019 1:50:27 GMT
^^^Yup, getting thru the muck is hard. Just gotta keep going.
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Post by julystorm22 on Dec 3, 2019 4:50:31 GMT
For me, I think my major problem is I just can't believe someone will actually like me. If I find someone I really like I end things out of fear of rejection. I need to be able to just be brave and deal with it if it comes. I don't want to be alone forever. No one's holding me back except for myself.
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