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Post by Stumour on May 16, 2015 22:02:57 GMT
I overheard my girlfriend muttering to herself, "Love that one... Hate that one... Ooh, that one made me cry."
"Are you going through your DVDs again?" I asked her.
"No," she replied. "My dildos."
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Post by Stumour on Jun 4, 2015 8:46:05 GMT
I knew a right greedy bastard. The bastard was that greedy, he ate all of his Ma's wedding cake.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 3:31:05 GMT
GOD to ST. FRANCIS : Frank , ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about.... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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Post by cobtact on Jun 21, 2015 23:08:27 GMT
lmao forums...now THAT is a story I like ...6778 thumbs up
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Post by Deleted on Oct 18, 2015 2:28:13 GMT
THE FIRST MESSAGE - email: Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan. THE ACTIONS Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went to Alan's house and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone and he noticed that he had a second message from his neighbor on voice mail. THE SECOND MESSAGE - voicemail: Hi Bob, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I expect you worked it out anyway, but as I'm sure you realized that it was my Autocorrect that changed "Wi-Fi" to "Wife". Technology eh?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan
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Post by Stumour on Jan 6, 2019 23:13:56 GMT
Pal: "How did you get to know your wife?"
Me: "Sadly, not until after we got married"
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Post by hibbiejim on Feb 14, 2020 5:28:30 GMT
A stranger walks into a bar and orders a pint.
He hears loud crying.
What's that he asks the barman?
Well the guvnor bought a donkey 3 months ago and all it does is cry. There's a hundred quid here if anyone can shut it up.
The geezer walks through and whispers in the donkeys ear.
It stops crying. But starts laughing.
But the barman gives the geezer the £100 and off he goes.
A few months later the geezer is passing through the town and pops in the same bar.
Gets a pint. But hears loud laughing.
The barman says Christ mate the laughing is worse than the crying.
£250 is here if anyone can stop it laughing.
The geezer goes through where the donkey is.
It stops laughing and starts crying again.
The barman hands the £250 over and says what did you do those two times?
Well said the geezer I whispered in the donkeys ear I had a bigger tadger than he did.
And he started laughing.
So what did you do this time to get him to start crying again?
The geezer said
I showed him.
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Post by hou on Feb 14, 2020 14:37:12 GMT
I heard that the Scottish have mixed feelings about global warming. Its because they can sit on a mountain, and watch the English drown.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2020 16:23:35 GMT
Bono and the Edge walk into a pub and the landlord says ...God not you two again..
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Post by hibbiejim on Feb 18, 2020 18:59:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2020 3:29:56 GMT
Some French knights were snickering at a passing group of Swiss mercenaries. French knight: "Look at them! They fight for silver, while we fight for honor and manhood!" Swiss mercenary: "Every man fights for what he needs most."
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Post by cooldog65 on Feb 28, 2020 4:59:46 GMT
Best bumper sticker I have ever seen said...
"Sex Is A Misdemeanor...The More I Miss Da Meaner I Get!"
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Post by hibbiejim on Mar 24, 2020 20:32:59 GMT
"Why should you never wear Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fall out."
"Just seen my grandson having a conversation wi a tin of vegetables.
Apparently Jack and the beans talk!"
Just been tae get a few things but there’s no much left on the shelves.
So I bought crab paste and tried it for the first time.
It was disgusting and I’m takin it back tae Boots tomorrow."
"My dog only does what she's telt when I speak Spanish to her.
She's Espanyol."
Bus pulls up at a bus stop in Glasgow.
Driver opens sliding doors to find a married couple arguing like fuck.
After a minute they’re still arguing.
Driver getting pissed off leans across and shouts indignantly
“Scuse me but are you two getting oan ?”
Woman replies “Course we’re no,he’s he’s a fuckin prick!”
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Post by Deleted on Mar 24, 2020 20:43:13 GMT
^^^Liked the 'Spaniel' one and the "Married couple arguing' one. LOL
Thanks for the laugh!
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Post by grey areas on Mar 30, 2020 21:32:11 GMT
Definition of Irony - The Year Of The Rat starts with a plague. lol
-I know a great joke about Corona Virus, you probably won't get it though.
-They said that a mask and gloves were all I had to wear to go to the supermarket. They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
-If I get quarantined for two weeks with my wife, it won't be the virus that killed me...
-If I get the Corona Virus, I wanna meet a girl with Lymes Disease......
-Ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.
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