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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2013 16:38:21 GMT
Might as well lead off with the legend that is "Little Johnny"The teacher is going around the room, saying the names of animals, and the kids have to make the sound that the animal does. She says cow, and Cindy raises her hand and says, moooo. The teacher says - very good Cindy. She says duck, and Bobby raises his hand and says, quack quack. The teacher says - very good Bobby She says pig, little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, freeze or I`ll shoot! The teacher doesn't quite know what to say.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2013 3:49:36 GMT
Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs,take the best bitch, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson: "And you, Tanya?"
Tanya: "I wanna be Lil' Johnny's bitch!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2013 5:40:37 GMT
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job! How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist!
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2013 10:48:57 GMT
^^I know a couple of those were in terrible taste, but still quite funny.
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him. "Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him. "Yes there is," he replies. "I would like some breakfast."
The writer believes the following joke is what happened next :
"The wife told her man to leave.... after finding out that he had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. He said, "Please can we just talk about this first?" "Go on, I'm listening." she replied. He sat down and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2013 4:27:28 GMT
My favorite blonde joke (as told by my blonde fake daughter)
Two blondes are sitting on the porch waxing philosophical when one asks, "Which do you think is closer - Texas or the moon?"
The other blonde is shocked that her friend could ask such a question and giving her friend a superior look answers, "Dah. Can you see Texas?"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2013 12:00:03 GMT
A Russian. an American and a blonde are sitting on a park bench. The first two are arguing about whose is the superior country. The Russian notes that, they were the first to put a man in space...to which the American points out, that his people were the first to put a man on the moon. So the blonde says, "That's nothing. We blondes are going to be the first people to land on the sun." The Russian says. "That's impossible. You'll burn up before you even get close." Blonde says, "Don't be silly. We're going at night."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2013 12:22:58 GMT
Rum & Coke A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust..... "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2013 17:17:34 GMT
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2013 4:20:02 GMT
A Blonde came home one day from work and found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She was so devastated that she grabbed the gun out of the dresser drawer and put it up to her head threatening to commit sucide.
The boyfriend in shock screams, "No honey don't do it, I am so sorry!" Then the blonde says, "Shut up! You're next!"
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Post by Stumour on Apr 21, 2013 5:50:26 GMT
Wee Johnny asks his Dad one day, "What's the difference between a pussy and a c**t?" Dad sits there stunned... then leads Johnny to his bedroom where Johnny's Ma is having a nap. Pulling back the sheet, he points at her crotch n says "That, son, is a pussy" "Ooooh" says Johnny, "can I touch it?" Dad replies, "Hell, NO!!! Ye'll waken the c**t up!!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2013 7:23:31 GMT
(remember I get most of my blonde jokes from my blonde fake daughter)
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2013 15:15:02 GMT
Little Johnny likes to gamble.
One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.
Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."
The teacher says OK, she can handle it.
The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
She says yes I know who you are.
Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."
The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.
She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.
So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."
The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."
Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."
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fastwalker
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Post by fastwalker on Apr 22, 2013 3:59:40 GMT
Teacher say's to the class
Tell me a word beginning with "A"...Little Johny raises his hand...Put your hand down Johny you'll say something rude. Little Emma says "apple miss". Teacher says "very good Emma". Again the teacher says Tell me a word beginning with "B"...Little Johny raises his hand...Put your hand down Johny you'll say something rude. Little Rupert puts up his hand and says "butterfly". Tell me a word beginning with "C"...Little Johny raises his hand...Put your hand down Johny you'll definately say something rude... Little Walter says "cat" very good Walter says the teacher. Tell me a word beginning with "D"...Little Johny raises his hand...Put your hand down Johny you'll say something rude..... Then the teacher thinks and says "ok Johny give me a word begging with the letter "D"... Little Johny stands up and says "Dwarf"... The teacher is very impressed and says "What a brilliant word. Come out here in front of the class and tell everyone what a dwarf is. Little Johny runs out in front of the class and say's... "He's a little cunt about that size".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2013 14:22:29 GMT
One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.
Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.
Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2013 13:31:48 GMT
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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