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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2013 20:32:09 GMT
Little Johnny's father seemed to be having more trouble with his son than usual. The problem was that Little Johnny was getting a really bad habit of cursing alot. Not really knowing what to do about the problem, Johnny's father decided to go to a psychologist and ask for his advice.
"Here's what you do", said the Psychologist. "Seeing as Christmas is coming up right away, ask Johnny what he wants for Christmas, but every time he curses leave a pile of dog crap where that present normally would go".
Later that day, Johnny's father asked his son what he wanted for Christmas. Johnny replied "When I wake up, I want a new baseball in my bed. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. Then when I go outside, I want to see a new damn bike in the driveway".
Christmas morning finally arrived, and Johnny woke up covered in doggie doo. He went downstairs next and saw dog crap going all the way around the tree. He then walked outside to the driveway and saw the biggest pile of dog crap he had ever seen. Johnny's father walked up behind him and asked "What did Santa bring you son?"
Johnny replied, "I think he brought me a puppy but I cant find the son of a bitch."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2013 22:50:14 GMT
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
By Adam Sandler
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2013 15:43:05 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2013 15:01:59 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2013 20:14:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 28, 2013 19:50:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 10:45:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2014 21:21:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2014 16:15:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 30, 2014 20:06:15 GMT
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Post by swannie on Feb 13, 2014 2:13:31 GMT
JOKES ONLY UNDERSTOOD BY SCOTS
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken. 'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?' 'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. 'Comfy?'asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?' 'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter. 'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's a wa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. 'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate. 'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice: 'Is there money in the box?' 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband: ' Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?' And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy? Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. 'No,' argues the assistant, 'look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?', 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car! 'What's up Jimmy?' he asks. 'Piston broke,' he replies. Aye, same as masel.
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Post by Stumour on Feb 13, 2014 7:46:05 GMT
Ah dinna get them.... n Ah'm in Govan tae....
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: 'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?' 'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says. 'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?' 'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
Wee wifey walks into the bakers and points at an item through the glass, "Is that a donut or a meringue". To which the baker replies, "No you are right it's a donut"
Herd of cows in a field, which one is on holiday? The yin wi the wee calf
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Post by Stumour on Feb 13, 2014 7:48:07 GMT
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner? He was in his cell.
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Post by Stumour on Feb 13, 2014 7:52:10 GMT
There's a Rolling Stones tribute band on the Isle of Lewis. They've decided to release a cover single with their own teuchter angle on it....
"Hey, Macleod, get aff o ma ewe"
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Post by Stumour on Feb 13, 2014 8:01:51 GMT
The teacher turns to her Primary 1 class on a Monday morning. "Well, class, did you all have a nice weekend?" A room full of solemn faces nods back at her.
"Did anyone see anything interesting over the weekend?"
The faces now just look blank. "No-one?"
Now wee Susie puts her hand up tentatively.
"Yes Susie?" says the teacher encouragingly. "Well, I saw a wee dug in the park, chasin' a stick, after it's owner threw it fur him", said Susie.
"Good", said the teacher, smiling brightly. "Anyone else?". Now they're getting bolder. Wee Jimmy down the front sticks his hand up. "Yes Jimmy".
"Miss, miss, I saw a big Alsatian dug, chasin' a baw. It's owner kept chuckin' the baw, an' the big Alsatian kept runnin after it, it was pure brilliant, so it wis".
"Excellent Jimmy", said the teacher. As Jimmy had been speaking, wee Shug down the front had started bouncing in his seat. Now it was his turn.
"Miss, miss, miss, ah saw a coconut dug, so ah did!" "A coconut dog, Shug?" said the teacher, frowning. "I don't think so. There's no such thing".
"Aye ah did, Miss, ah did so". "Now, Shug" said the teacher, "you know it's wrong to lie."
Wee Shug was black affronted by this. "Ah did see a coconut dug Miss. It went past us in the park, an' ma maw said "Christ, look at the cock on 'at dug!!!"
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