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Post by cinnamongirl on Jun 13, 2019 5:31:08 GMT
Cinnamon Girl from POF Forums here- Had been talking to a guy from another state, on another site for a couple of months. 6'3", 60 years old. Owns his own home, good job, etc. I initially told him "No, thanks, you live too far away, good luck." He lives a two-day drive away. Well, he was very persistent, we talked on the phone and texted a lot. We seemed to have a great rapport. Well, he actually drove out, and stayed at my house for a weekend. I took a pic of his license plate and texted it to my sis as soon as he arrived. I slept on the couch, and gave him the master bedroom. I prefer the couch for my bad back, anyway. We got along for the most part, and had a good time. But he made a couple of comments that came off as pretty callous towards women, so I don't see a future with him. He was actually talking about a permanent relationship, getting ahead of himself. He left a voicemail a few days after he got home, wanting to know why I was not calling him back or answering his texts. I told him that my feelings had cooled after a couple of things he said, and I haven't heard from him since. It was an interesting experience, though. Read more: frivolity.boards.net/conversation/888#ixzz5qhdv6ASt |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 6:16:04 GMT
The good part is that he relaxed enough to be himself and you got to find out early that he isn't a good match for you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 16:23:01 GMT
Unless one of you were willing to relocate, it likely wouldn't have worked out, anyway.
Just curious what he said that made you think he was callous toward women?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 17:49:25 GMT
Thanks for sharing, cinnamongirl. Maybe it's my maternal instinct, or self preservation, but I don't let anyone near or in my home unless I'm sure I want to get closer with them, which means I have to be pretty close to start. When I was meeting people on pof, if someone lived too far away to get home again on the same day or night and didn't want to meet in the middle as I would offer, if they came to my neck of the woods they would not come to my home, but stay in a hotel (without me). It only happened twice, but they totally understood and agreed. Also I had my son still young living at home, so bringing anyone in was risky. But even if I hadn't had my son, I always feel nervous when I hear of your scenario and glad you are ok. There are too many people who are not honest, nor safe, and getting along on the phone and in writing does not guarantee a connection or safety in person. Also, if there was no connection or clear red flags, I'd be honest like you were and say I didn't feel an attraction in person and I'm sorry. I found that was something no one could argue with or use against me since it's chemistry and not personal, in a way, or at least not something that can be helped. Many people close the door and never look back. But then there are those who's egos are bruised, so it's good he accepted your truth and didn't draw you into lots more contact to explain why you wanted no more contact.  |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 19:52:23 GMT
1. You invited a man you didn't know (and you claim was very persistent) to stay at your house for the weekend??
2. Also, this guy's best/only chance at finding someone was a woman a 2-day drive away??
3. Why didn't you just tell him your feelings had shifted after the first text he sent instead of ignoring him?
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Post by cinnamongirl on Jun 13, 2019 20:05:12 GMT
He is looking to relocate to my state when he retires, and kept talking about that.
He is good looking, tall, etc. so I wasn't his best/only chance at finding someone. He was just really into me, and we had a great rapport on the phone.
I took a chance, and it didn't work out. no harm, no foul.
I waited before telling him my feelings had cooled, because I just started a new, super-intense job, and was busy with that, plus, I needed to think on things a bit before telling him,
What he said was "If we had sex, would you cry and express regret, and say 'I shouldn't have done that.' like so many other women do?"
I was just like- WTF? For so many obvious reasons.
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Post by cinnamongirl on Jun 13, 2019 20:12:37 GMT
Thanks for sharing, cinnamongirl. Maybe it's my maternal instinct, or self preservation, but I don't let anyone near or in my home unless I'm sure I want to get closer with them, which means I have to be pretty close to start. When I was meeting people on pof, if someone lived too far away to get home again on the same day or night and didn't want to meet in the middle as I would offer, if they came to my neck of the woods they would not come to my home, but stay in a hotel (without me). It only happened twice, but they totally understood and agreed. Also I had my son still young living at home, so bringing anyone in was risky. But even if I hadn't had my son, I always feel nervous when I hear of your scenario and glad you are ok. There are too many people who are not honest, nor safe, and getting along on the phone and in writing does not guarantee a connection or safety in person. Also, if there was no connection or clear red flags, I'd be honest like you were and say I didn't feel an attraction in person and I'm sorry. I found that was something no one could argue with or use against me since it's chemistry and not personal, in a way, or at least not something that can be helped. Many people close the door and never look back. But then there are those who's egos are bruised, so it's good he accepted your truth and didn't draw you into lots more contact to explain why you wanted no more contact. ______________________________________________________________________________________________ Hi, willow. I can't seem to separate your quote from my post. I did feel a connection, and attraction, and he is a great kisser, but for reasons stated in a new post, he's not for me. I didn't feel at risk of danger, because my brother is Asst. Chief of Police, and my visitor was aware of that.Plus, he had given me a lot of info about himself, including pics of him at work, with his work ID, etc. He was super enthusiastic to meet me, and yes, all the flattery and attention probably did overrule my better judgement, but I am fine. I don't think I'll ever do that again, though. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 20:17:56 GMT
“..::What he said was "If we had sex, would you cry and express regret, and say 'I shouldn't have done that.' like so many other women do?"...
Eeek. I would have shown him the door at that point. Or called the police to help you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 20:30:44 GMT
Sorry, was writing same time, so didn’t see your last post until after.
Glad to hear you were more careful than it seemed to appear.
How to not write in the quote box is when the quote appears, slide it up the tiny bit it goes, leaving a blank space below it to write. If you start writing in it, I can’t seem to get it out either, so I back up and start again.
Two other really useful tips are scrolling to the very bottom to open desktop version if on mobile, which opens it all up properly, though small. Then when replying, press reply on far right and then everything works well including smilies and posting pics options, as well as the little boxes, like the black movie one will upload video links from youtube.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 21:47:36 GMT
You should have been able to just cut and paste it, but dropping it below the quote box.
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Post by awesomejoe73 on Jun 13, 2019 23:33:41 GMT
"If we had sex, would you cry and express regret, and say 'I shouldn't have done that.' like so many other women do?"
Seems like a PUA move. Not too smooth though. Better move is a bit reverse pysch. Something like " Just because you invited me home doesn't mean I am easy". That being said, C'MON... you invite a guy home, there is always a chance that horizontal dancing is taking place..in any healthy minded guy. His delivery might have been creepy but his thought process wasn't way off.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 13, 2019 23:38:58 GMT
"If we had sex, would you cry and express regret, and say 'I shouldn't have done that.' like so many other women do?" Seems like a PUA move. Not too smooth though. Better move is a bit reverse pysch. Something like " Just because you invited me home doesn't mean I am easy". That being said, C'MON... you invite a guy home, there is always a chance that horizontal dancing is taking place..in any healthy minded guy. His delivery might have been creepy but his thought process wasn't way off. Exactly. If she quoted him accurately, he used a poor choice of words. He may have been legitimately concerned with how she would have felt afterward, but it came across as a challenge to her to prove she's "not like the other women" more than anything else. |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2019 0:49:54 GMT
"So many other women"..... not just other women. And turn it around, if a woman had said anything like that to a man, she would be considered a slut, but if we think that of guys, it's not ok because she invited him to her home?
Not only that, he complained about the feelings from these women he slept with who regretted it instead of getting the message maybe he does try and speed things up too fast for comfort, repeatedly. She even said in first post on this first in person visit he was talking about a permanent relationship with her.
So I agree with cinnamongirl to let him go since these were all serious red flags when you're a woman, guys, and honestly am a little surprised you're defending him, but good to get guys' views on it because the perspectives are different.
Forgot to say, what's PUA? Pretty useless anticipation? :)
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Post by Deleted on Jun 14, 2019 1:10:32 GMT
PUA = Pick Up Artist. It's a community devoted to being a "pick up artist". The little exposure I've had to it left me with the opinion that much of it is crap and based on manipulation.
I didn't defend this guy, but did give him the benefit of the doubt. I said he *may* have been truly concerned about the aftermath and how she would have been affected. If that were the case, it would have come across much better if he hadn't mentioned the women in his past.
I certainly won't beat him up for having his mind on sex, though. If a woman invites a man over for the weekend, I don't care how much of a sweetie pie gentleman he seems to be, the thought of potentially having sex will be entering his mind.
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Post by bendingbough19 on Jun 14, 2019 1:20:03 GMT
Cinnamon Girl, the one thing I often thought when you were on the other site was, "Wow, that woman sure gets a lot of dates." Seriously, you always seemed very successful in the dating world. Quite impressive.
Like Willow, I am glad that you are safe and pleased that you probably won't do that again. I am the last to claim that I have never put myself in harm's way, but the years have changed me in that regard. Mind you, in all fairness, I am also no longer part of the dating world so I can't really claim what I would or wouldn't do these days.
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