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Post by cooldog65 on Jun 17, 2019 12:27:06 GMT
Yup, taking a break from romantic relationships is really healthy and necessary, I found. And who knows for how long? But it does allow you to work on your relationship with yourself and develop them with your friends that tend to be less when focusing on one person.... Or trying to find the one person who 'completes you' which I think is bs now. I'm quite complete in myself these days and only want to hang out romantically or otherwise with others who have gotten to the same place in themselves. Well said. My break has been going on for 6 years. I should be very healthy...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2019 13:35:03 GMT
My break has been going on for 6 years. I should be very healthy... Only 6 years?? Man, you're a newbie. I have a solid relationship... With my cats. They're cheaper and easier than a human relationship.
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Post by bendingbough19 on Jun 17, 2019 14:30:21 GMT
The concept of taking a break is an interesting one. I have met several people who are on marriage number four and a couple who are on marriage number five. When one factors in the dating in between marriages that lead to nowhere, one has to wonder if some of these folks have ever given themselves even a few minutes off of dating. I have been dateless for going on five years. I did not start out with a goal to remain dateless but I realized over time that it truly was a preferred state. Every last one of my relationships had been an exhausting exercise wheel of trying to be good enough - of trying to satisfy entitled, spoiled little princesses. I have no idea if that is just the type I attracted or if that was the type I was attracted to and I no longer care, if I ever did. It comes to a point where enough is enough. Focus on friendships and career and becoming the person I would like to be are far more satisfying to me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2019 15:05:06 GMT
I so agree, bendingbough. Maybe it's when you start reaching a certain age or stage in life that you learn to stop looking elsewhere and see what you're finding inside of you. Though I guess one could argue I feel that way because I never found 'my person' that could last a lifetime, conventionally or unconventionally. I agree you're a healthy newbie, cooldog! Actually, I did have one indiscretion (relationship) I knew in real life that lasted two years and I ended it two or three years ago. The only one in many years and grateful it finally finished my relationships that were full of lessons. Oy vey. Unconditional love is really an ideal and unrealistic goal I think these days, and almost impossible to achieve with yourself, never mind anybody else. And I'm with you on cats too, forums, though I love dogs too. Cats might be fickle, but they always show their love when they want to be fed. Just a shame so many are allergic to them.
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pfif
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Post by pfif on Jun 18, 2019 6:35:14 GMT
Relationships are primarily about access to that other person's body, and to give access to your own, to them.
Sooner or later, the 'so what?' question arises, once the access has been available for a while.
Then, the one notices the other snores (and does something about it). It goes on from there.
I think three months is about right for initial access, and then they get tired of the fun.
Personally, I remember her saying "I think we will keep getting together periodically, for a long time to come, to do this" (she was .. well it was a private naked moment with no clothes on).
The context: had been quite a while since we'd seen each other.
I was thinking "No .. this is the very last time" and it was.
I just think it's a safety thing; there's so many ways it could be intolerable, and almost immediately so, that when (for whatever reason) both people find themselves in that room together, and behind closed doors, and how difficult it was to get to that place of safety .. that it's difficult to walk away from it, after enjoying (perhaps) three or four months of that kind of intimacy, together.
That's why people 'start projects' in relationships.
This is just more monkey see monkey do. Trying to domesticate an interpersonal process that really isn't domestic in nature, at all.
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pfif
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Post by pfif on Jun 18, 2019 7:09:58 GMT
Yup, taking a break from romantic relationships is really healthy and necessary, I found. And who knows for how long? But it does allow you to work on your relationship with yourself and develop them with your friends that tend to be less when focusing on one person.... Or trying to find the one person who 'completes you' which I think is bs now. I'm quite complete in myself these days and only want to hang out romantically or otherwise with others who have gotten to the same place in themselves. Yeah, Exhibit A: They stop seeing their old friends as much. It's not completion. It's more like life-raft or last-man-standing. Musical chairs - the music stops and somebody no longer has a chair. Like that. Refuge. If there's children, that's one thing. If there are not, well, that's a whole other kettle of fish. I think, behind the (fairly) perfect couple/relationship, is a tremendous amount of labor that came prior to their meeting (unless it's the childhood sweetheart scenario). I personally don't need to look beyond the fact that a mate costs real money, effort and labor (serious quantities of each). In my case, it absolutely required conventional (slavery-based) employment arrangements. "A job" as they say. Which means working for someone else, rather than on my own stuff (which I have a tremendous amount still undone ;) I never wanted that much extra labor, which a relationship almost always requires. Also I think there's some anesthetic stuff going on, where one person (at least) is way off in their basic approach. When neither is anesthetized (anymore) it ends promptly. ;) I just think we're running out of dreamboats and anesthesia, as a society. You know you've seen it in the very young. I'm not wrong about this. ;)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2019 12:56:16 GMT
pfif wrote above,A new female life friend 12 years older than me recently was strongly reminding me we are tribal, innately, and when I let it sink in, I realised she was right. Lastly, yes I justify my happily not being in a romantic or physical relationship, but then I see my two older children in their miid 30's (in England) and they both found their best friends in a partner in their mid 20's, one here, one there. One has children, the other not and clear they don't want to. So, their relationships are a great reminder for me it can happen (and obviously I am so happy for them). I get the feeling they could last the duration and both had always said they would never get married nor have children. So even though they didn't have a great role model in me of growing in a two parent loving home, they found the right love for them... And tying back to this thread, their communication is really good ... much better than mine ever was in a relationship or at their age.
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