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Post by auriela on Apr 28, 2013 21:57:21 GMT
My friends daughter is 14. On Monday she walked out of school and came home. Myself and a few friends were helping her mother move sound equipment and other stuff. To cut a long, long story short. They had a terrible argument in front of said helpers. It got nasty and very emotional. Well daughter fourteen years of age screams to the world she is bisexual. Did not go down to well. However before she returned from school her mother had gone through her phone, which she had taken off her and found soft porn video's. Shall we say of both varieties. It was decided that daughter would come home with me for a few hours so both parties could calm down. I asked my friend please, please do not mention what she had found on her phone. She promised me she wouldn't as the situation was bad enough. On returning home feeding and watering both her and my son. I allowed him to go into his star wars mode. I sat and spoke to said child and asked her why she felt she was bi sexual. We had a long talk which at one point she ended up in my arms breaking her heart. Telling me she was so confused. I tried to explain without giving any personal information away that most people at some point in their lives wonder, or are confused about their sexuality. Told her it was normal. Mother came to collect her both had chilled and went home. I could not believe it when they were only home less than an hour and friend went off at daughter about video's. Tonight said friend been on phone crying as daughter went ape when she found her mother had gone through phone. Admitted she had downloaded video's. I try to calm friend down and in the end i gave up even trying. Told her i don't have daughter but the way she was handling the situation is just going to make it worse. Finally when she sneered how the hell does she know she ffffff bisexual i lost it. HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW i bellowed down the phone until they try it.  Well now the situation is that neither are talking. Daughter grounded by the sounds of it for life. Me well i am just to laid back thinking the porn she had wasn't that bad. I tried to help, that child was breaking her heart. Ok please tell me where did i go wrong. Any suggestion as how i can help said child. I am really worried about her. I did tell her mother this as well help1 |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2013 1:50:53 GMT
I personally dont think the porn is bad. This teenager is exploring her sexuality, and trying to figure her body out. We cant help what naturally turns us on or off. This is one of the few things in life for which there is no parental control.
Both my daughters have had bisexual experiences, and are now married to men.
My eldest still struggles with the issue, and it continues to cause her relationship sorrow.
At 29 she cant make up her mind whether she prefers men or women. The problem wth that is people
that want a committed relationship, want a partner that can choose.
At 14 this teenager in question has a lot of experimenting to do, with the encouragement of her parents.
Being punished isnt the answer for feelings she is new to having. I recommend this mother takes a chill.
Her anger has already left a scar on her poor daughters heart. As a parent she needs to learn to respect her daughters privacy, right or wrong, if she want to be respected in return.
Raising children isnt easy, but telling them what you want them to do concerning sexuality isnt healthy.
Teaching them to make responsible decisions, and choices concerning their normal and natural feelings, is.
Pushing a teenager can lead to many other destructive issues.
Your friend needs to realize that kids today~
1. Run away
2. Do drugs
3. Go to jail
4. Get pregnant
5. Cut themselves
6. Commit suicide
~over parents that freak out, are control freaks, or try to force their own sexual beliefs.
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Post by swannie on Apr 29, 2013 18:08:04 GMT
Being Bi isn't the end of the world ... sounds like your friend has the issues, rather than her daughter.
Theory is ... if we are all on the scale ranging from 1 - 10 ... one end being completely gay and the other end being completely hetero ... most of us are somewhere between the numbers of 2 - 8 and we are then largely influenced by society ... different theories to the whys range from gestational hormone influences through to maternal rejection dynamics. The people slap bang in the middle are the unfortunate ones, as they tend to struggle to be faithful, but most of us aren't completely in the middle, we all veer off one side of the middle.
Your friend may need to talk to someone about her own issues about her sexuality, as well as finding someone like a school counselor to talk to her daughter about hers. There's nothing like a teenage girl going through sexual awakening to bring up the mother's own personal fears etc. Aint life grand.
Edit: Just re-read that and it sounds really cold and heartless and not meant that way Aurie ... 14 is a shit age, full of angst about everything in life and what the child needs is a mentor/adult friend/confidant other than her mum for no other reason that her mum is too close. If you can't be the confidant then maybe you could find someone who can be? And same with the mum? You did nothing wrong btw. xx
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Post by auriela on Apr 29, 2013 18:13:41 GMT
I personally dont think the porn is bad. This teenager is exploring her sexuality, and trying to figure her body out. We cant help what naturally turns us on or off. This is one of the few things in life for which there is no parental control. Both my daughters have had bisexual experiences, and are now married to men. My eldest still struggles with the issue, and it continues to cause her relationship sorrow. At 29 she cant make up her mind whether she prefers men or women. The problem wth that is people that want a committed relationship, want a partner that can choose. At 14 this teenager in question has a lot of experimenting to do, with the encouragement of her parents. Being punished isnt the answer for feelings she is new to having. I recommend this mother takes a chill. Her anger has already left a scar on her poor daughters heart. As a parent she needs to learn to respect her daughters privacy, right or wrong, if she want to be respected in return. Raising children isnt easy, but telling them what you want them to do concerning sexuality isnt healthy. Teaching them to make responsible decisions, and choices concerning their normal and natural feelings, is. Pushing a teenager can lead to many other destructive issues. Your friend needs to realize that kids today~ 1. Run away 2. Do drugs 3. Go to jail 4. Get pregnant 5. Cut themselves 6. Commit suicide ~over parents that freak out, are control freaks, or try to force their own sexual beliefs. Thank you for your reply. I hardly slept last night. I managed to find a local organisation and had a long talk to someone today. I am so worried because the teenager to me is showing signs of depression as well. I am going to phone her mother later and try and talk to her again about this situation. I am trying to see both sides of their arguments. I know if my son came to me in a state as she did i would not judge i would do all i could to help. My friend has a lot of issues but she does try to do her best. Thank you so much for sharing your information about your family. You at least make me feel that i did try to do my best hug1 |
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Post by auriela on Apr 29, 2013 18:19:04 GMT
Being Bi isn't the end of the world ... sounds like your friend has the issues, rather than her daughter. Theory is ... if we are all on the scale ranging from 1 - 10 ... one end being completely gay and the other end being completely hetero ... most of us are somewhere between the numbers of 2 - 8 and we are then largely influenced by society ... different theories to the whys range from gestational hormone influences through to maternal rejection dynamics. The people slap bang in the middle are the unfortunate ones, as they tend to struggle to be faithful, but most of us aren't completely in the middle, we all veer off one side of the middle. Your friend may need to talk to someone about her own issues about her sexuality, as well as finding someone like a school counselor to talk to her daughter about hers. There's nothing like a teenage girl going through sexual awakening to bring up the mother's own personal fears etc. Aint life grand. Edit: Just re-read that and it sounds really cold and heartless and not meant that way Aurie ... 14 is a shit age, full of angst about everything in life and what the child needs is a mentor/adult friend/confidant other than her mum for no other reason that her mum is too close. If you can't be the confidant then maybe you could find someone who can be? And same with the mum? You did nothing wrong btw. xx I managed to talk to an organisation today and they were really good. I was more afraid that i didn't do enough to help. The women assured me and made me feel a lot better, when she said letting her cry and tell me how she felt was the best thing i could have done. I am going to talk to her mother later on and explain that i have spoken to the organisation and they are willing to help. Dont know how she will take it. I just cannot bare to see that child in so much pain and confusion . Thanks swan lovehug2 |
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Post by swannie on Apr 29, 2013 18:26:56 GMT
Well done Aurie ... she needs someone who will help her filter the conflicting emotions without judgement and her mum sounds too lost in her own stuff to do that. My kids knew stuff at 14 that I had no idea about when I was their age, the world has moved on, and being bi is so part of today's teen culture through pop etc that many teens get worried that they're 'only straight'! If you can get her mum to understand that she's too close to the situ to help and that outside help is important (S'ok M8t I know not all mums are like that) then hopefully the girl will find someone to relate to.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 29, 2013 19:57:13 GMT
My thoughts...not in any particular order.
It is hard not to take responsibility for others' pain when we feel our heart strings pulled.
Please know, Aurie, you are not in any way responsible for the pain in your friend's daughter, or your friend.
I admire your wanting to do what you can to help guide them both in a healthier and healing direction.
My favourite brother is gay (even though he had a girlfriend back in high school). He's always been wonderfully and naturally gay - it's not a choice. Yet, quite recently he and I were talking about bi-sexuality and he explained that, for some unknown reason, women seem to be more fluid in that department than men. I thought that was interesting. And so, it is more possible for women to be with either sex at times and it not necessarily mean they are homo, hetero, or bi.
Looking from a distance, if both mother and daughter, imo, could let go of the labels for now - to suspend calling her sexuality anything, and for the mother to also let go the negative judgement on the soft porn...things might be able to take a breath to gestate all that has come up.
It's so fresh and it sounds like so unexpected for your friend... never mind the quite often normal teenage daughter/mother challenges that are operating anyway. My daughter and I had great challenges when she was a young teenager and I was a single mum with a new baby. And some very strong emotions were sparked in both of us.
From all that, I have come to believe we may never be the best parents we wish we could be, and yet we do the best we can with the level of consciousness we have at any moment.
So, again imo, if both mother and daughter could forgive each other's behavior (and ultimately themselves), and ground it with a bit more understanding...a bit more patience to let all that has been stirred up calm down....this could be a really wonderful opening for both of them.
There are no accidents. This is meant to be happening...and all that will happen as a result.
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Post by ibakecakes on Apr 29, 2013 20:05:38 GMT
So sad to hear that this is causing you pain :(
The only thing I would think is that, in most cases, parents want their offspring to have as easy a life as possible. This may well be why the mother went off on one, at the thought that her daughter would find her life more difficult if she decided she was gay or Bi. I dunno, I think as well that perhaps some parents may not understand that relationships do not just have to fit in a box.........that sometimes, what a parent might think as the norm and the easiest thing in their opinion, may not be that anymore. Life has moved on massively since we were all teenagers I'm sure!!!
On the porn front, the only thing I think about it is that porn can be self destructive in that a great deal of the porn portrays everything as totally perfect - perfect bodies, no wobbly bits or squelchy noises and nothing complicated, so this might be why mum was upset???? Here in the UK there is a big drive to try and stop teens watching so much porn as it is giving them such a distorted view of sex.
I hope your friends can manage to sort things out anyway xx
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2013 2:25:14 GMT
Its a crazy world we live in, so our children dont need us to be.
Being from a large Euro family, thats spent time there, and here living in eight states,
Ive seen my share of crap. What has impacted my girls most, was the suicide of a young man,
that grew up with my kids. His mother sounds like your friend Auri, so excuse me being so blunt.
Its kinda my nature anyhow being I realy have experienced more than my share of pure horror.
My youngest has anxiety stress disorder, which causes her to stop eating.
My eldest is ADHD and bi-polar. Never mind I have a seizure disorder from a reck I was in.
It was very difficult raising two daughters without a father.
Theres a lot I could post, but I wont. Peace out.
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Post by tizzahell on Apr 30, 2013 9:42:24 GMT
I think it has about all been said. I hope everything works out for all involved!
My son has just come out in the last year or so, my biggest worry was him telling his peers... some kids can be so mean.
I am not really sure if he has told the rest of the immediate family or not... I just happened to come across it while spying on his deviant art profile, he came out; on line first. He put it on his FB too; that is when I got worried for him but, for the most part I would say that kids are more accepting of those differences these days.
With schools having a zero tolerance for bullying these days; most kids won't openly bully him anyway.
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Post by tizzahell on Apr 30, 2013 9:43:36 GMT
... oh and he is a big guy too!
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Post by auriela on Apr 30, 2013 21:26:23 GMT
My thoughts...not in any particular order. It is hard not to take responsibility for others' pain when we feel our heart strings pulled. Please know, Aurie, you are not in any way responsible for the pain in your friend's daughter, or your friend. I admire your wanting to do what you can to help guide them both in a healthier and healing direction. My favourite brother is gay (even though he had a girlfriend back in high school). He's always been wonderfully and naturally gay - it's not a choice. Yet, quite recently he and I were talking about bi-sexuality and he explained that, for some unknown reason, women seem to be more fluid in that department than men. I thought that was interesting. And so, it is more possible for women to be with either sex at times and it not necessarily mean they are homo, hetero, or bi. Looking from a distance, if both mother and daughter, imo, could let go of the labels for now - to suspend calling her sexuality anything, and for the mother to also let go the negative judgement on the soft porn...things might be able to take a breath to gestate all that has come up. It's so fresh and it sounds like so unexpected for your friend... never mind the quite often normal teenage daughter/mother challenges that are operating anyway. My daughter and I had great challenges when she was a young teenager and I was a single mum with a new baby. And some very strong emotions were sparked in both of us. From all that, I have come to believe we may never be the best parents we wish we could be, and yet we do the best we can with the level of consciousness we have at any moment. So, again imo, if both mother and daughter could forgive each other's behavior (and ultimately themselves), and ground it with a bit more understanding...a bit more patience to let all that has been stirred up calm down....this could be a really wonderful opening for both of them. There are no accidents. This is meant to be happening...and all that will happen as a result. Thank you for sharing that willow. We all try to be the best parents we can. I know if this was my son i would be doing everything i could to help him through this difficult time. Mind you he is convinced i would have loved him to have been gay. I Dont known why he thinks that lol I guess why i feel for her so, is i see a little of myself in her. Plus i think she really needs someone to give her guidance |
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Post by auriela on Apr 30, 2013 21:32:48 GMT
... oh and he is a big guy too! It is great, that people in here are so good at sharing their own experiences. I really can not thank you all enough. I do believe in times like this you seem to find people who help you through difficult times. Also see different perspectives of a situation and how each has dealt or coped with it flowergive1 |
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Post by auriela on Apr 30, 2013 21:39:01 GMT
Its a crazy world we live in, so our children dont need us to be. Being from a large Euro family, thats spent time there, and here living in eight states, Ive seen my share of crap. What has impacted my girls most, was the suicide of a young man, that grew up with my kids. His mother sounds like your friend Auri, so excuse me being so blunt. Its kinda my nature anyhow being I realy have experienced more than my share of pure horror. My youngest has anxiety stress disorder, which causes her to stop eating. My eldest is ADHD and bi-polar. Never mind I have a seizure disorder from a reck I was in. It was very difficult raising two daughters without a father. Theres a lot I could post, but I wont. Peace out. I really take my hat off to you. Life must be pretty tough at times. I have a son with autism and i find that hard enough. He doesn't really live in the same world as you or i. I think the reason why i care so much is i am really afraid for her. flowergive1 |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2013 21:44:26 GMT
... oh and he is a big guy too! It is great, that people in here are so good at sharing their own experiences. I really can not thank you all enough. I do believe in times like this you seem to find people who help you through difficult times. Also see different perspectives of a situation and how each has dealt or coped with it flowergive1 I so agree, auri... it is not just an online community of strangers talking - it is people sharing, speaking through their writing.... connecting on a deeper level.
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Well now the situation is that neither are talking. Daughter grounded by the sounds of it for life. Me well i am just to laid back thinking the porn she had wasn't that bad.
